The dreaded festive hangover that I have never spoken about: it gets side-lined, ignored, and is never nursed because the nostalgia of Christmas is too precious to dissect. I am admitting to an anti-climax I experience after I have longed for something and jumped into it head first, submerging myself way too deep and for far too long, and coming out of it feeling spent and overserved. I equate this to a hangover. It is not limited to the amount of alcohol we consume; I think it extends to life in general.
This is the first festive season during which I didn’t have to escape being myself, nor did I put myself out. The spirit of Christmas never came to me this year as I was already exhausted and spent. Or maybe I was just wide awake, refusing to be fed the same cheerfulness I had been stuffing my face with for decades. I might have been deeply introspective, contemplating the next chapter of my life. I have stepped into a purposeful era where I believe the stars are aligning and I am finding my feet and strutting my stuff down the path of destiny. Perhaps I stripped off those rose-tinted glasses I have worn year after year, never questioning and always obliging. I was preoccupied with the business I started, calculating and anticipating the reaping of the rewards of my blood, sweat and toil. It is never one thing. It's always the culmination.
Something shifted in me this year and has me caught up such that I missed the Christmas memo and the tinkles and trinkets that have previously led me to sweet oblivion. Waking up days before Christmas, I resolved not to break a sweat or bend my back over the hot stove the eve or morning of Christmas. I haggled with the concept of no pressies and lost. I negotiated a few other pertinent traditions and settled with what I experienced as a carefree and blissfully light-on-effort Christmas celebration. I am not sure how the family feels, but I am content that I chose what might be my preferred way to commemorate the day. I am open to suggestions.
So, in the days after Christmas, I am walking around with a clear head and no other signs of a hangover. What I used to moan about was getting home after the holidays and starting work. I never zoomed in on what motivations and intentions preceded the celebrations. In general, I used to feel pressured to have another drink when I knew that I had consumed more than enough. I believe that my partaking in Christmas followed similar pressured patterns.
Why did I have to spend endless hours searching for gifts that were more obligatory packages than heartfelt gestures? Why did I travel many kilometres to spend hours and days in contexts and situations that weren't always ideal? Why did I sit through laborious planning sessions in which I was never able to say my piece and yet conceded for the sake of keeping the peace? Why did I strain and strive to prepare elaborate meals that I didn’t end up enjoying because the stress and effort sucked the life out of my appetite? Why did I do so much over such a short space of time, holding back the panting and panic and showing up with a smiley and endearing face? Why couldn't I enjoy a laid-back Christmas eve eating pizza and immersed in an intriguing read? I don't think I ever thought through any of my Christmas traditions. As the years go by, items have fallen off the festive list and I haven't bothered to stick them back on. Each Christmas, I have done less and less, until the most recent one, when I barely did anything. I stepped away from the whirlwind surrounding this season in which I used to find myself getting caught up and frenzied along.
This year, I am feeling like I expanded and consumed what I needed to in appropriate portions. I understood my limits and played to my strengths. I believe I exercised restraint and abided by what I truly felt I needed and what was available and attainable. So, I woke up fresh and energized and continued along those lines until the start of the new year. I am grateful that nothing from the past days hangs over me and lowers me to my bed and couch. I am glad that I am bouncy and full of perspective. I can also squeeze in a few tea sales between the still and calm of the days.
I rejoice in the clear seeing of this season anew, and I think back to the many years of Christmas and festive traditions. While doing so, I am also thinking about what I will hang onto in future, in place of being hungover from the past. I will hang onto starting the season with a good dose of Christmas carols, as the joy that comes from a boisterous singing of a few nostalgic carols will always fill my heart with the warmth and spirit that is the religious part of Christmas. I want a mix of my voice and the musical instruments, with me being allowed to sing along in the best way I know how, as well as me listening quietly to the melody and talents of others. In this, I am reminiscent of how I used to attend midnight catholic mass. The night air was filled with pregnant anticipation of all that is hopeful and full of promise. Ultimately, my aim is a good dose of each.
As well as this, I want to hang onto keeping meals and indulgences simple and tasty. No one needs to break their back over hot stoves. Anyway, should we be pulling out all the stops, while remembering the simple stable with a manger, warm hay, and a cosy set-up? It has the potential to create a sense of quiet and profound contentment. I will hang onto plans that ensure I see and be with a few or several souls whom I hold near and dear to my heart. Why do we need to overextend? If we can’t gather together, let’s find time in the coming months to reach out and ensure that we bond and connect in ways that fill our hearts with love, joy and peace. Why can’t we make this a year-round intent?
I want to hang onto my peace and preserve myself, particularly over the festive season, as the daily, weekly monthly commitments are already a stretch. I want to hang onto my babies in the same way that Mary held onto hers. A loving embrace leaves a lasting imprint in the heart and soul of every child. For as long as I have them with me, I will envelop myself with as much love as I can get, knowing that realistically, for each coming year, they will start creating their sense and meaning of Christmas and more appropriate ways to commemorate this season. Who knows whether or not they will choose to spend it with me?
So, fresh out of a relaxing and laid back morning, I am thinking ahead to the coming seasons. I hope that I have learnt enough to steady myself going forward. All-in-all, I do want the year-end to be festive, through its being filled with music, light, love and effortless peace.
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